April Fool's...for Cyclists

April Fool's Day is right around the corner: Sunday, April 1.

So, as mentioned previously, this is a very special edition of the Kalamazoo Cyclist. I have searched the vast offerings of the inter-web and will now attempt to re-blogulate the best, worst, and forbidden (in my opinion) April Fool's...for cyclists.

The ground rules are as follows: faking death is strictly prohibited. This should really apply to April Fool's in general. However, if you are a cyclist, you understand how much your friends and family worry about your lifestyle, and the very real fact that you could someday be run down by a texting adolescent in a two-ton metal box. Don't do it...everything else is on the table.

For the special someone in your life

Let's face it - cycling can be an expensive sport. All the gas, car insurance, and other monies you are "saving," are all likely being spent on bikes and gear. Also, despite your best efforts to hide it, your spouse also likely knows that you are always searching Craigslist and other websites for your next bike.

So here's what you do.

Borrow the nicest bike that you can from a friend. Place it near or around your current fleet of bikes (assuming you store your bikes in a visible location, such as the living room). Odds are, the new addition to your fleet will be noticed immediately.

You will the casually say something like, "Oh yeah, I picked that up at the bike shop this week. You know, I really needed more of a performance road bike as opposed to my other road bikes."

This will likely elicit one of three responses, if my calculation are correct:
1. Your spouse has read my blog (not likely), or is otherwise aware that it is April Fool's Day. She tells you to return the bike to your friend.
2. Anger. This would then be a good time to lighten the mood by exclaiming, "April Fool's!!"
3. A condescending, but understanding and ultimately approving of the purchase, such as "Another bike?? How much did you spend on this one?" (obviously this is a rhetorical question) or "That looks like a nice bike, next time please just talk to me before making any big purchases."

In the case of scenario 3, consider yourself lucky. Say nothing about April Fool's. Return your friends bike on the way to the local bike shop. You have just been authorized to purchase a new bike.

For the special cyclist in your life

Now that you have a new bike, it's time to ride. If you are riding with someone you like, this may be better to try pre-ride or post-ride. If you are rather indifferent to your riding partners, mid-ride is ok.

When your riding buddy is not looking, quickly let the air out of the rear tire. This person will then immediately snap into flat fix mode. They will be somewhat perplexed as they unsuccessfully search the tire and tube for signs of debris. They will conclude that they must've gotten a pinch flat. The tube will be changed and you will be back on the road in minutes.

As an added bonus, offer to hold on to the tube for your friend. "I can throw that away for you." Or, "I have a patch kit so I'll hold on to it just in case."

If they comply, you have yourself a perfectly good tube, hopefully to go along with your brand new bike.

This has potential to be a great day.

One other solid idea is to replace the water in their bottles with beer, soda, red bull, etc. You be the judge:

(photo used without permission)

Finally, there are a lot of mediocre to bad April Fool's ideas out there for cyclists, including filling tires with water or placing objects in or on the seat tube or handlebars. These pranks may be well and fine, but in general seem to require more effort with no benefit to the prankster. If it were me, I would stick with the ideas above.

Happy April Fool's!

-Clay